The Cactus Cat: A Love Story
Picture yourself in bed, desperately trying to sleep while stray cats are fucking outside your window.
Picture yourself in your sleeping bag in the desert, desperately trying to sleep while giant, spiked alcoholic cats are fucking outside your tent.
Cactus cat wants you to stay out of its territory; there's a beverage here, man.
This delightfully ludicrous cowboy tall tale is a cute metaphor perpetuated by the OG 19th century pioneers of California and the desert southwest who claim to have seen or been attacked by them. The cat is said to be about two feet tall and covered in spikes. Some sources say the cat was black and the kittens are born spikeless.
The cactus cat is said to quench its thirst by using its spiked body to slice open a cactus. It would then return several nights later to drink the fermented cactus juice, just like a cougar on Taco Tuesday. Surely, like a cat of any variety, this cat probably also knocked over cacti next to already frightened campers just to see what they'd do about it. The internet says the cactus cat would create a ground den near its homebrew, but we all know cats prefer to sleep in boxes. Cactus cat probably tore open someone's stagecoach steamer trunk, shred their favorite borax mining overalls, and sat in the box.
Cactus cats do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. The urban legend goes that the male cactus cats would tear a cactus open. The scent of the alcoholic Cactus Cooler would attract female cactus cats. The female cactus cats, upon seeing each other, would fight to the death like mud wrestling sorority girls covered in razor blades. Once the defeated female has been sufficiently gored or murdered, the victor would get drunk and mate with the male who provided that sweet prize of succulent nectar. It goes on to say that cactus cats mate for life, probably because the male cactus cat realized how terrifying and glorious the winning female is.
What a bizarre metaphor for the human condition.
Below is a music video by the Kiwi 80's pop-punk girl band Look Blue Go Purple. It's barely relevant and like cramming a square peg into a round hole, but, screw it, this is an article about a cactus cat. It's allowed to be ridiculous.